Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I F*CKIN QUIT!!

Maryam Z | 11:37 AM |

I've had it! I am DONE! Oh jeez this going to be so fricken hard. I feel so weak and helpless. I wan't to smoke so bad. I mean, the craving is just stronger than it was before and it hurts. Literally, it hurts! I've been smoking for about 12 to 13 years now and it's consumed most of my life. I mean, it has me so addicted to the point where I feel like I am going to have a mental breakdown!


Some people think I started because I wanted to look cool or because of peer pressure, but honestly, I started because it was my way of releasing stress. I started back in middle school when my parents were going through a divorce. Not only was there the divorce, but my father was taken for sexually abusing me. Unfortunately he was never locked up for what he fucking did... It was so nerve racking that cigarettes were what helped me though the pain. I found cigarettes as a getaway from the pain and stress. Smoking was my way of hiding from all the sexual, mental and physical abuse I was put through as a child.

Just mentioning this horrid past makes me want to smoke... but I am going to resist! Honestly, it haunts me still and hiding behind a cigarette only makes it worse. I'm to the point where I am in pain from smoking. My lungs hurt, I'm developing the smokers cough, my stomach is always acting up, I have heartburn all the fricken time, my gums are beginning to weaken and degrade making my teeth loose, my headaches are getting worse, I'm constantly tired and in pain... I just... I can't take the pain...

It sucks... Smoking has been my way of forgetting what happened to me and it helped me through the pain. But in reality, it's killing me! I don't want to lose my kids to an addiction. An addiction that has consumed me and made me into someone I never wanted to be. I must defeat my demons! It's going to be a rough road for me and I know it's going to be extremely stressful, but it's time. It's time to face my demons!

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